Posts Tagged ‘Teens’

If you read a self-help book, study the Bible, or go to therapy but don’t practice, it will not help. Only practicing what you are learning will change occur. The highest form of change is practicing what you are learning.

The Buddha said, “If someone is standing on one shore and wants to go to the other shore, he has to either use a boat or swim across. He cannot just pray, ‘Oh, other shore, please come over here for me to step across!’” To a Buddhist, praying without practicing is not real prayer.

DON’T TRY TO CHANGE ANYONE

by Raymond Corsini

If we could adhere to this one idea, the world would be a better place. Be less divorces, healthier children, less world conflict, our schools would be happier place, and more.

1. Stop criticizing. Not an easy step to take. However, it is an effective beginning
toward changing the lines of communication from negative to positive.
2. Restructure relations. Tell your teenager at a quiet time that you have been
thinking things over and wish to make some changes in your own attitude.
3. Establish a relationship of equity with your teenager. This, of course, does not
mean that you, the parents, should give the child things which are excessively
costly or service which puts you in the position of servant.
4. Set some logical limits. For example discuss where you think he or she should go
socially, the appropriate hour for getting home, and the number of times per week
for going out. If all are quietly talking and trying to solve the problem, letting go
of the power struggle between each side, it is possible to reach some agreement.
5. Once an agreement is reached the teenager should then take the
responsibility to carry through. It should not be the parent who has to ask,
“Where are you going?” or the child who asks, “May I go to Ann’s house?” The
teenager should simply state, “I am going to Ann’s house and will return at
10:30.” In turn, the adults should tell there teens where they are going and when
they expect to return home.
6. When you talk, state your feelings, but do not imply that only you are right.
7. Listen to what your teenager has to say. Do not interrupt. Take the time to think
about what has been said and ask the same courtesy for yourself, but stress that
what you say is only your opinion.

For more suggestions check out the library on our website.

Too often, a well-meaning parent brings her adult child to our office because of some incident at college. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than the everyday challenges we all have to meet. These adults or dropping out of college. They lack the confidence and willingness to struggle with the challenges of life. They are often overly protected children who think that the problems they now face or unfair and some one else should solve them.

How did we get into this predicament?

For the past 17 or 18 years of their life, they have had some one wake them up, remind them to do their home work, resolve conflicts at school with teachers or other kids, pick up after them at home, put their dirty dishes away, and basically watch every step they take creating a very dangerous situation. Many times these young people were above average in school, sports, and popularity. The pampering, followed by the feeling of being “special” make it even harder for them to be ordinary citizens on a college campus, where all the kids are use to doing well.

These well meaning parents mistake indulgence as “love”. They set out from the time the child is born to meet every need and desire. This does not create a self-reliant human being but a tyrant. In contrast, the well-informed parent is not concern about the child’s needs but instead teaching the child to be concerned about others. The well-informed parent moves the interest off the child onto mom, to dad, their marriage, expands this to brother and sister, the extended family, and finally the community. A child raised in such a manner has the capability of leaving home and meeting the difficulties he or she will face in college or the military.

Dr. Dreikurs states that we “cannot protect our children from life. Nor should we want to. We are obligated to train our children in courage and strength to face life. Mother’s desire to protect her boys from possible harm may have a discouraging effect. It may help them be helpless and dependent upon her.” Mother keeps her boys helpless and dependant so that she may appear important and caring.

This often results in what Dreikurs calls the “spoil brat”. This is a “child who is in a constant fury because life is not amending to his wishes. What a futile and pathetic demand! Unfortunately a child does not lose his “spoiled bratishness” as he grows into adulthood. It may become a fundamental attitude toward life. When we pamper and coddle our children and try to protect them from life, this is the gift we give them: a helpless fury against an outrageous world.” Children the Challenge pp. 189-190.