IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FAMILY
Cameron W. Meredith
This program is essentially for parents who are interested
in learning and open to change.IL is based on the idea that, if parents change, their children will change.
However, this does not imply that parents are to blame for in effective family relationships or that they are not doing
the best they can, but rather that, in this day of rapid change, parents need to discover and create new ways of
behaving which are more encouraging; more facilitating and more health producing.
The workshops will deal with common problems of misbehavior
such as fighting, temper tantrums, lying, dawdling, not doing chores and homework, and morning, mealtime and bedtime
battlegrounds. What parents can do to alleviate such problems and to create a family atmosphere for positive
growth and becoming will be discussed.
Fortunately, a new educational psychology is emerging which is very helpful, hopeful, relevant and optimistic.It can
·be understood and used in a short period of time. It is beyond the Pavlovian and Freudian psychology of the past.
This so-called Third Force Psychology is often described as purposive, perceptual, goal-directed, holistic, cognitiveor Adlerian psychology.The ideas below are very much in tune with Adlerian and Third Force Psychology. Written
materials are noted in parenthesis. Basic beliefs, principles and.practices:
1. A child's behavior has a purpose. Essentially, it is to find her/his place, to belong and to contribute.If
she/he feels she/he does not belong and does not count, she/he often Misbehaves to be the center of attention, to
dominate and get her/his own way, or to secure service by helplessness. ("Purposive Behavior" "Let's Stop Blaming
Parents and Start Helping Them Instead")
2. When children misbehave, it is much more effective for parents to change their own behavior rather than trying
to change children directly.This is clearly something parents can do. When parents change, children will usually
change. When there is conflict, suggested changes are to stop looking, to stop listening, to stop talking, to move
differently, not be impressed and to resist using punishment and bribes.These changes are not designed to control
children and get "results" but rather to reduce conflict and to open the door to friendly relationships so necessary
for an atmosphere of positive involvement and cooperation ("Philosophy of Discipline").
3. Instead of being bribed or punished, a child needs the opportunity to learn from the logical or natural
consequences of her/his actions in a friendly atmosphere. A new situation created by a change in parent behavior sets
the stage for an experience in logical or natural consequences.Instead of obedience training, it is an
experience in problem-solving, making decisions, self-direction and self-discipline. It is creating an atmosphere
of freedom-with-order rather than order-without-freedom or freedom-without-order. ("Natural Consequences")
4. The key is encouragement. This means accepting children as being fine as they are, mistakes and all; planning with
them, offering choices, trusting them and freeing them to be rather than controlling them to be; believing in them
even when things are not going well; helping them to say "yes" to life through participating and contributing; and
valuing hope rather than *unrealistic expectations("Hope and Encouragement""Encouragement in the Family").
5 Instead of doing something to or for children, which often intensifies conflict or perpetuates useless service;
parents need to discover more ways to do things with
children. The more children are involved as equal partners in a cooperative atmosphere, the more responsible they will
become and the more they will feel that they belong and have a place.In order not to rob children of a learning
experience, try not to do for children what they can do for themselves. ("The Magic- of Involvement")
6. The time to Talk and influence children is when there is a warm and friendly relationship rather than a power
struggle in which people are against each other.Regular family meetings and open discussion at one or. more
mealtimes daily build positive family relationships. This is how family members develop social interest and sincerely
believe, ,"This is a family where we help each other." ("Organizing a Family Council")
7. The real hope is the creation of a cooperative democratic family atmosphere in which each member can become
a more fully-functioning human being of equal value and dignity and in which there is truly a growth relationship
made to order for the development of healthy and adequate
human beings. ("Democracy in Family")