Franks Walton’s Conclusions
The first is this: probably the closest we can come to a guarantee that we will live our lives in a world with harmony and peace is if we teach our children to develop a sense of concern for fellow human beings.
Of course, we need to teach them to move towards the problems that life presents, but to do it with the objective of solving problems in a way that is a help to ourselves, and to others who will be influenced.
Another important guideline is this quote from Kurt Adler: “The most important thing we have to offer our clients is to help them understand what they are up to – what they are trying to accomplish.”
Of course, that message is of considerable value to each of us as we live our daily lives. I want to read a few lines I wrote some few years ago in a speech I gave to the Florida Adlerian Society titled, “How to Get Along with Oneself.”
If you want to get along with yourself, it is terribly important to understand yourself, to question your motives, to question what you’re up to. You can do it in a lighthearted way, you can chide yourself, joke with yourself, just don’t lie to yourself.
Spot the disjunctive emotions and thoughts you experience – those are the emotions and thoughts that set us against others and are disrespectful of ourselves. These emotions or thoughts include anger, resentment, blame, hurt, feeling sorry for ourselves, occupation with self-importance and other self-elevating thoughts, or restricting our behavior because of fear of falling short.
Replace these disjunctive emotions and thoughts with conjunctive emotions and thoughts – those that help us move towards fellow human beings. Catching yourself using disjunctive emotions and thoughts can bring a smile to your face and a warmth to your body. Simply say, “I’m not going to do that. My effort is going to be to help, . . . to lend a hand. I may not be perfect at it, but I’m really working at it.”
I also will read a related thought I wrote in a newsletter for the Uruguay Adlerian Society.
In a fight each person knows exactly what the other person should do, which is the most useless information he can have, because the other person is not going to agree. It is actually comical to picture one partner saying in the midst of a fight, “You know, that’s a good point, honey. I never thought about it that way.” So, my point is, teach yourself to recognize when you are getting ready to fight and pull back. Recognize the courage and love of self and others you are manifesting at that moment. It is so valuable to learn to encourage yourself. If others are a source of encouragement to us, it is very nice, but that decision is out of our hands. If you learn to encourage yourself, you possess an endless supply of encouragement.
Another piece of information I want to share with you is useful when a client who is fearful or anxious raises the question, “But if this happens what would you do?” If that happens a mentally healthy answer is “something.” I’ll do something. I don’t know what I’ll do and I’m certainly not going to spend time worrying about it. But if it happens, I’ll do something.”
A shorter version of that guideline is this, “When life presents a problem, I know I’ve got a good person to rely on . . . and that person is me.”
In recent years it’s become popular to say: “What is, is” as if that’s a truism that is mentally healthy. Of course, it’s not true – what is, is exactly what we make of it!
Perhaps the most beautiful quality of being a human being is that we absolutely choose our attitude towards every experience we face. Isn’t it wonderful that we have that freedom?
Do you recall seeing George Burns play God in the Movie “Oh God?” Someone asks God “What is the meaning of life?” God replies, “The meaning of life is exactly – no more and no less than we make of it.” Up until then I had not realized God was Adlerian.
If you truly want to understand a child or yourself well, observe how you behave in an extremely challenging situation. In such situations, important elements of our lifestyle become recognizable.
Many people rise to the occasion in a reasonable and a cooperative manner, but others become paralyzed or run away or cry or try to find someone to blame.
Some people go into adulthood or beyond without actually having been faced with an extremely difficult problem.
This reminds me a little of the five-year-old who had never talked. One day at breakfast he blurted out – “Hey this toast is cold.” His parents were thrilled. Johnny, why did you wait so long to talk? “Well, up till now, everything has been okay.”
So, my recommendation to young people in love is try to have an opportunity to see your partner in a potentially very stressful situation before you say your vows.
Among the many ways in which Dr. Dreikurs impacted my thinking was his interest in using “two points on a line” to hypothesize the direction of a client’s lifestyle. Dr. D stayed alert for two independent and seemingly contrary (even contradictory!) pieces of information, knowing that the principle of holism helps us understand how they are – in fact — connected. It occurred to me that while these (seemingly) contrary pieces of information are rather rare, much more commonly, the use of any two points can allow for the helpful formulation of a hypotheses.
For example, a therapist can focus upon the client’s presenting problem as one point on the line, then use the state of inferiority revealed in the client’s most memorable observation as a second point. (Many of you know The Most Memorable Observation is an important conclusion drawn from the client’s observation of life in his family during his early adolescence and it reveals a state of inferiority the client guards against). This allows the therapist to hypothesize as follows: “Isn’t it reasonable that someone experiencing this sort of presenting problem would get themselves in difficulty by virtue of the thinking manifested in t heir Most Memorable Observation?” This conclusion represents an important aspect of the thinking the client uses to approach life’s problems.
My experience is that it is a pleasure to be around other Adlerians. Adlerians tend to live according to the principles they believe and that makes for a kind
And loving life.