The Role of Communication in Conflict
Timothy Evans, Ph. D,
The Pitfalls of Talking During Conflict
The instinct to talk during a conflict is often counterproductive. One of the greatest barriers to marital happiness is the widespread belief that arguing or fighting can yield positive outcomes. As a result, both parties may engage in blame, criticism, and heightened emotional reactions, inadvertently setting the stage for future disputes. The focus shifts from resolving the issue to proving oneself "right," a dynamic observed by Rudolf Dreikurs.
The Harm of Words in Anger
Excessive talking, especially when fueled by anger or bitterness, rarely leads to reconciliation. Dreikurs notes that words, when spoken in anger, can inflict deeper wounds than physical harm. Rather than bringing people together, conversation in moments of conflict often serves to amplify pain and division.
The Illusion of Justified Emotional Expression
When anger or hurt predominates, individuals may feel justified in expressing intense emotions without restraint. If their partner or child fails to adhere strictly to imposed rules, further escalation—such as yelling, questioning, and so-called "talking"—often follows. This pattern perpetuates a cycle of conflict, rather than fostering understanding or resolution.
The Reality Behind "We Need to Talk"
Phrases like "we need to talk," "can we talk later," or "I want to be honest with you," tend to signal impending confrontation rather than genuine problem-solving. These conversations, masked as attempts to "talk things through," frequently revolve around disjunctive emotions—used to control or dominate the other person—while encouragement and constructive dialogue are notably absent. Often, the justification lies in being compelled by strong emotions, rather than a true desire for meaningful communication.