THE DIVORCE PROCESS BY
BRUCE FISHER
The social and emotional adjustments in the divorce process are a process with a
beginning and an end. There are definite building blocks (social and emotional adjustments) in the rebuilding process of divorce. Following is a description of some of these rebuilding blocks
arranged in approximate chronological order.
1. Self-acceptance of our divorce.
We want to at first deny that we are becoming divorced—after all, only losers can
become divorced.
2. Rejection and/or guilt.
The dumpee feels more rejection; the dumpor feels more guilt.
(Dumpee~I must really have something wrong with me if the person who has known me the best is not unwilling to continue a love-relationship with me). (Dumpor—I feel so
guilty for having hurt the person whom I loved.).
3. Loneliness.
I didn't realize so many of my daily living habits revolved around that person. How can I face life alone?
4. Grief.
A person must mourn and grieve the loss of any love-object, whether it be a person or a
thing. The grief process of divorce is similar to the grief process of death. A person must experience the pain of grief rather than avoiding it.
5. Self-concept.
We build our self-concept socially. Ending a love-relationship is very damaging to our
self-concept.
6. Friends.
Friends are very helpful to us in times of grief and trauma. Most people find while going
through the divorce process that they need to develop new fnendships because it is difficult to keep the old fnendships.
7. Feeling lovable.
We feel that we failed in our love-relationship; therefore we must be unlovable.
8. Disentanglement.
We must dissipate the strong emotional feelings that we had for the former love-object
person, whether the feelings be love, hate, anger, or whatever.
9. Anger.
We find ourselves totally consumed with anger at times and we must find ways to express
that anger in a positive and constructive manner.
10. Sex.
It is hard to sleep alone now after sleeping with another person for so long. We must decide what to do with our unmet sexual needs.
11. Trust.
It feels safer to be out in the lonely cold, than to get burned again,
12. Leftovers.
The old pattems of interacting are not left behind with the former love-object person, but
persist into our new relationships. We must throw out the leftovers through changes in our pattems of interacting if the pattems are self-defeating behavior.
13. Aliveness.
We eventually begin to feel alive again after feeling numb. We find that we can tmst our
feelings and act on them, rather than fearing what we are feeling.
14. Singleness.
It's enjoyable to have our own daily living habits without having to conform to another
persons living habits. It feels good being a single person.
15. Freedom.
We find the freedom to be ourselves. We can make a choice of either living alone or
entering into a committed relationship and we feel free to be able to do either choice and remain happy.