Posts Tagged ‘couples enrichment’

Check this out about labeling our children, its only a minute.

By Timothy D. Evans and Raymond J. Corsini

Grousing is a common behavior that is highly destructive to relationships. It increases interpersonal conflict and provokes revenge while generating attitudes of resentment and no cooperation. Parents grouse at their children because they believe it will make them more responsible. One or both members of a couple may grouse at each other, convinced they know what is best for their partner. Despite its prevalence, grousing is a discouraging way of interacting. It destroys the potential for developing an encouraging and intimate relationship.

What is grousing? Webster defines grouse as “to grumble or complain.” It is related to the word “grouch.” Roget equates the term with “fret, chafe, frown, crab, or pout.” The usual synonym for grousing is nagging. The phrase, “Get off my back” means to stop grousing.

The initial step in encouragement training is to teach couples, parents, and teachers how their seemingly innocuous behavior irritates and discourages others. Nothing will improve in marriage until one starts working on him- or herself without trying to change the other person (Evans, 1989; Meredith & Evans, 1990). Marriage reconstruction requires the grouser to stop nagging, complaining, arguing, judging, criticizing, punishing, or rewarding (anything that irritates the other person). In short, the grouser needs to shut up and be pleasant.

GROUSING EXERCISE: An especially effective exercise for improving relationships entails the elimination of grousing for 4 consecutive days. After the therapist explains what it means to grouse, the following directions are given to couples or individuals: If you are guilty of grousing, are you willing to stop it for four consecutive days? If so, here is the assignment: You must stop grousing immediately and completely for four consecutive days. If you’ve been attacking, criticizing, yelling, reminding, nagging, threatening, bringing up the past, comparing, or pointing out mistakes, stop it now. This includes all negative behavior, no matter how “nicely” presented or well-intentioned.

Instead of grousing, act “as if” you are a sensible and self-controlled person who has decided to get off your spouse’s back and enjoy their company in spite of their shortcomings. You are not to do anything else other than to avoid grousing at your partner, child, or the person closes to you. After four consecutive days you have the choice of reverting to your old behavior.

You are only to participate in this exercise if you agree to do it for four consecutive days. This means that if you go for three days and grouse, you need to start over. You are not to perform this exercise with the intention of shaping-up the other person. You are changing your behavior because it is the decent and reasonable thing to do.

Assuming you follow through with this experiment, what might happen! There are several possibilities:

1. You will feel better about yourself. After all, who likes to be a prison guard monitoring someone’s behavior?

2. You will look better. Nags look like nags.

3. You will show/generate goodwill. Your mate will have evidence of your intention to improve the marriage.

4. You will become a more encouraging person.

5. You will reduce tension.

Your family will develop a friendly, supportive atmosphere. The Grousing Exercise is one that benefits everyone as both therapists and their clients can encourage themselves and their families. Practicing encouragement via the elimination of grousing is a win-win quality relationship proposal. ‘


Evans, T. (1989). The Art of Encouragement. Athens, GA: University of Georgia, Center for Continuing Education.

Meredith, C., & Evans, T. (1990). Encouragement in the Family, Individual Psychology, 46, 187-192.

The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families ~ Vol. 2, No. 1 (1994) pp. 70

[1] Appeared in: The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families ~ Vol. 2, No. 1 (1994) pp. 70

Gottman has found there are four major warning signs to a failed marriage. He calls these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. These behaviors lead to marital meltdown and divorce. The first of which is criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame. This can be expressed in a number of ways—“you don’t care” “you only think of your self or you are a selfish person” or “you should know better than to drink too much”. The added word “should” sends a powerful message of being scolded. Unlike complaints, criticism tends to generalize. It uses global phrases, “you never” or “you always”. When criticism starts punctuating your interactions your marriage is in trouble (Gottman, 1994, Why Marriages Succeed and Fail).

Criticism is considered a deadly habit, a form of external control, and perhaps the worst of all the deadly habits. It will disconnect you from the significant people in your life. If you have a ratio of 6 to 1, meaning for every six interactions, five or negative, your relationship is bleeding.

Most people make accurate observations. However, when they share those observations in the form of criticism, they do harm to the people they love. Accurate observations can make it difficult not to criticize. In order to stay connected you have to value the relationship and staying connected more than being “right” or expressing your “honest” opinion.

The rule of thumb is the more intimate the relationship the more damaging the criticism. Furthermore, the more accurate the criticism, the more damage it is to the relationship. Is being right and sharing your observations more important than your relationship? There is no such thing as constructive criticism. No one likes to be criticizing and the people you love are not going to change just because you are being “honest”. Criticizing is not problem solving, it’s a form of external control.

If you want to improve your interaction check out, Stop All Grousing! Its in our library.