Posts Tagged ‘conflict’

Marriage today is often the battleground on which the husband and wife, each dubious about his own place, fight for dominance. All predicaments and hardships serve as tests. Yet, financial difficulties, in-laws, sexual problems, infidelity, incompatibility whatever may be considered as the cause for marital trouble-is not in fact the cause of the trouble but the occasion at which each feels defeated. As long as the relationship between husband and wife is friendly, as long as they are not in competition and do not resent each other, difficulties and predicaments bring them closer together and stimulate their common effort to deal with this dilemma. But in an atmosphere of rivalry and competition, each blames the other for their common plight; each feels neglected, humiliated, or abused, and consequently each makes the partner feel unfairly criticized and judged.

p. 135, Social Equality, Rudolf Dreikurs.

In addition to the myth that one day your life will be fundamentally different, you may believe, and hope, that one day your women/man will be fundamentally different. Don’t wait. Assume she’s/he’s going to be however she/he is, forever. If your women’s/man’s behavior or mood is truly intolerable to you, you should leave her/him, and don’t look back (since you cannot change her/him.) However, if you find her/him behavior or mood is merely distasteful or a hassle, realize that she/he will always seem that way: Your partner will always seem chaotic and complicated from your perspective.

David Deida, Way of the Superior Man

The last thing you want to do in a conflict is talk!

“Here we meet one of the most important obstacles to married happiness: the general belief that something can be gained by fighting. So both blame and scold and get excited—and prepare the field for the next fight. They are less interested in finding a solution than in being “right”.” Rudolf Dreikurs

“People talk too much—in anger, in bitterness. Talk can bring people together when they are in a friendly mood; but when they fight and are angry, words are as bad as slashes and whips and hurt more than physical assault.” Rudolf Dreikurs

When people are angry or hurt they often consider it their “right” to express their emotions and if the mate or child being supervised does not attend strictly to the rules being imposed-look out! A price will be paid probably with more angering, yelling, questioning, and so-called talking.

We are all to familiar with the lead-in “we need to talk,” “can we talk later,” or “I want to be honest with you.” Most often this means in-coming, take cover. Very little if any conjunctive emotions, encouragement, or problem solving is going to take place. Usually a lot of disjunctive emotions, in an effort to dominate and/or control the other person are going to be expressed. This is all under the disguise of “talking thing through”. When in actuality one person is dominating another person and he or she is exonerated because he or she is “driven” by strong emotions that must be expressed.