“We overlook the essential fact that the achievements which society rewards are won at the cost of a diminution of personality. Many aspects of life which should have been experienced lie in the lumberrom of dusty memories” C. Jung

“Hell is having worked so hard for success that it corroded your relationship with other people, so that you learned to see them only in terms of what they can do for you. . . Hell is the loneliness of having everything and knowing that it is still not enough.”

Harold Kushner, When All You Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough

He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Aeschylus

Good thoughts and actions can never produce bad results. Bad thoughts and actions can never produce good results. This is but saying that nothing can come from corn but corn, nothing from nettles but nettles. Men understand this law in the natural world, and work with it. But few understand it in the mental and moral world (though its operation there is just as simple and undeviating), and they therefore, do not cooperate with it.

Suffering is always the effect of wrong thought in some direction. It is an indication that the individual is out of harmony with himself, and the law of being.

As A Man Thinketh, James Allen

“ Why do we find it so hard to believe that our assumption of inferiority is only a prejudice”? Our traditional educational pattern stresses a negative value: hardly anyone is good enough as he is. We perpetuate this pernicious practice under the fallacious assumption that growth and improvement demand dissatisfaction wit oneself. Admittedly, in some few cases the drive for self-evaluation may simulate progress. But in all cases this negative urge is unnecessary, and in many cases highly detrimental.

Anyone who is sure of himself and satisfied with his abilities can do better than someone who must constantly struggle to prove his worth. It is the feeling of adequacy, rather than of inadequacy, that leads to successful endeavor.”

Rudolf Dreikurs

One of our main concerns is children diagnosis with ADHD often lack interest in others and in addition are not disciplined in the home and school. Discipline does not mean rewards and punishment.

Professionals such as Dr. Peter Breggin and Dr. Frank Walton are now addressing this concern. In Dr. Walton’s article, Understanding and Helping Children That Meet the Criteria for the Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Diagnosis, (Library on our website) he writes:

“Whether the child has failed to develop a sense of caring about fellow human beings by virtue of the above three patterns, or through other patterns, teaching concern for others is paramount for the therapist, the parent, and the teacher.

Finally the therapist must become adept at explaining social interest, its importance in life, its relevance to the child’s specific symptoms, and specific means for parents to help the child learn to respect and care about the welfare of fellow human beings. Some specific means to help accomplish this vital task in the home are as follows:
Draw a firm line when behavior infringes upon rights of others.
Do not allow yourself to be interrupted.
Do not allow the child to command your attention when your rights or the rights of others are being infringed upon.
Give opportunities to children to be a help to others, especially by inviting the child to be involved in a task that is appealing to him or her.”

There are useful ways to work with our children and not by giving them a diagnosis and brain altering medication. Teaching them the golden rule (social interest) and taking the time to discipline, not rewards and punishment, with a quality relationship may be more useful and effective than any diagnosis or medication.

“Like Hamlet, we destroy a bit or our own humanity by giving in to the natural, instinctive desire to hurt as we have been hurt, . . .

All of us will be victims of cruelty, thoughtless behavior, and petty annoyances. At times like that, we will have to choose between the seductive appeal of getting even, attractive but harmful to our souls, and the cleansing force of integrity, reclaiming power over lives precisely by not giving in to the temptation to get even. And we will know which side the angel is on.”

Harold Kushner, Living a Life That Matters

1.) Just stopping (we have the power to choose) the above useless, hurtful, and disrespectful behavior often opens the door for a more friendly and cooperative relationship. Mind own behavior.

2.) Participating and cooperating as equal partners, friends and lovers. Marriage of equality.

3.) Accepting each other as equally dignified human beings while at the same time encouraging each other to become more and more unique. Freeing each other to be.

4.) Mutual trust and mutual respect.

5.) Unconditional regard and acceptance.

6.) Regular family meetings and shared responsibility.

7.) Having fun together.

1. CRITICISM (EVEN CONTRUCTIVE CRITICISM)
2. BLAMING AND THREATING
3. COMPLAINING AND NAGGING
4. DEFENSIVENESS
5. STONE WALLING
6. COMPARING AND COMPETING
7. OBSERVING, JUDGING, AND CONTROLLING
8. TRYING TO CHANGE EACH OTHER & CONTROLING
9. CONTEMPT FOR EACH OTHER (BODY LANGUAGE, EYE ROLLING)
10. ANGER CREATED AND USED AGAINST EACH OTHER
11. JEALOUSY CREATED AND USED TO CONTROL EACH OTHER

www.adlerflorida.org

I had a very interesting experience last Saturday morning. I was making breakfast at home for Lori and myself. Lori and I have been married for 21 years, and this was shaping up as a typical Saturday morning. A quick breakfast together, followed by an hour or two of household chores.
Lori was sitting with her laptop, at the breakfast counter, totally engrossed in working on a holiday show for the students at Alfred Adler Elementary, so the breakfast preparation was left to me. As I was making the eggs, I remembered a work email I had forgotten to send out, and was mildly annoyed with myself over this omission. I then glanced at Lori happily typing away, completely oblivious to anything else other than what she was creating.

That is when it happened. Obi Wan would call it “turning to the dark side.” Alfred Adler called it feeling “less than.” My thoughts went, “Why isn’t SHE helping out with breakfast?” “No wonder I forgot that email. I am doing more than my share,” etc, etc. Within a minute or two, I had talked myself into a very bad place. All too often, when I get myself in this state, I make a sarcastic joke, and damage the most important relation- ship in my life.

This time was different. I looked again at how happy she was to be doing exactly what she was doing in that moment. I thought about how much she gives of herself to the school, how hard she works, and her passion for giving each student a chance to be involved. Anger??? I no longer recognized the feelings of the previous few minutes.

Alfred Adler spoke of conjunctive vs disjunctive emotions. Those that pull us together, or push us apart. Rudolf Dreikurs said thought and emotions always work in tandem. Thought provides the direction, emotions provide the force of our move- ments. My thoughts, as evidenced by my self-talk, had pro- vided direction toward some strong disjunctive emotions, and subsequently, just in the nick of time I might add, some strong conjunctive emotions. Our self talk can induce disjunctive or conjunctive emotions towards ourselves as well.

So think back to the hectic times of the holidays behind us, as we were all busily rushing about trying to do all the things that needed to be done. As you move through 2012 and interact with the ones that matter the most to you – as well as your fellow man at home, at work, at the mall – remember the old adage, “guard your thoughts.”

We wish you many happy thoughts and (the natural conse- quence) conjunctive emotions.

“We do not suffer from the shock of our trauma but we make out of it just what suits our purposes”

Alfred Adler